Hatstamp

My fake Christmas List that my family didn’t think was funny

1. I want a live kangaroo (if you can get one for under $100). Don’t hem and haw thinking this is a tricky thing to get. Just go to a zoo, look for one that’s old, or hopping awkwardly, or that looks kind of dead. I’m sure someone will give you a deal. Sick animals are depressing. Zookeepers probably want to be rid of it. I want a kangaroo. I want to teach it to spit at slow moving pedestrians.

2. I want some kind of pill or ointment to prevent me from farting in my sleep. Don’t ask. Just get me it.

3. I want goodwill toward men. I DO NOT WANT peace on earth. I dislike that term. it’s way too general, and if you ask me, not very cost effective to our military industrial complex.

4. I want an iPad. I know it’s a lot more expensive than our 100 dollar limit. But I want one anyway. And think about it: I’m likely to get rich and famous pretty soon. You get me an iPad, you will be in my good graces. I’ll take you to Hollywood premieres and in front of all the paparazzi, adoring fans, and lights and crap, I’ll scream and point to you and be all “you know what this crazy bastard did to
Me last Christmas?! This sonofabitch got me an iPad!!” and then you will be known in People and US weekly as “the crazy bastard son of a bitch who got me an iPad”. Sounds good right?

5. I want a camouflage tent, infrared goggles, and a spear. Why is not important.

6. I want to be a duke or a lord of some kind. I know this might be slightly unrealistic, so I won’t hold my breath.

7. A banana republic gift card.