Hatstamp

MANLY ADVICE.

It is not manly to turn on the sink to mask pee sounds.

We all know what you’re doing in there. You’re not washing your hands for 3 1/2 minutes. You’re not writing songs. You’re not looking into the mirror pretending you are a pensive submarine captain who may or may not have received an erroneous order to blow-up Pakistan. 

I get it. You’re shy. Maybe you’re in a small apartment and you’re on a date. And the lights are low. The candles are burning. There Will Be Blood is on pause. And you don’t want to augment the moment with splashy sounds. But who cares? It’s nature. You know what else is nature? Volcanos. You wouldn’t be embarrassed if there was a volcano in your bathroom, would you? No.

A very special holiday message to you,

Before I embark on my Christmas eve tradition of spending the day alone in my tuxedo, eating an entire box of cheez-it crackers, while watching Amistad without the sound on and screaming ‘Amistad!!’ every time Anthony Hopkins hits someone with his cane, I wanted to wish all of you creative, unique, courageous, artistic individuals a very merry christmas eve!

RE: My fake Christmas List that my family didn’t think was funny

4. I want an iPad. I know it’s a lot more expensive than our 100 dollar limit. But I want one anyway. And think about it: I’m likely to get rich and famous pretty soon. You get me an iPad, you will be in my good graces. I’ll take you to Hollywood premieres and in front of all the paparazzi, adoring fans, and lights and crap, I’ll scream and point to you and be all “you know what this crazy bastard did to me last Christmas?! This sonofabitch got me an iPad!!” and then you will be known in such periodicals as People and US weekly as “the crazy bastard son of a bitch who got me an iPad”. Sounds good right?

Good Christ. It worked! It actually worked! I got an ipad!

My fake Christmas List that my family didn’t think was funny

1. I want a live kangaroo (if you can get one for under $100). Don’t hem and haw thinking this is a tricky thing to get. Just go to a zoo, look for one that’s old, or hopping awkwardly, or that looks kind of dead. I’m sure someone will give you a deal. Sick animals are depressing. Zookeepers probably want to be rid of it. I want a kangaroo. I want to teach it to spit at slow moving pedestrians.

2. I want some kind of pill or ointment to prevent me from farting in my sleep. Don’t ask. Just get me it.

3. I want goodwill toward men. I DO NOT WANT peace on earth. I dislike that term. it’s way too general, and if you ask me, not very cost effective to our military industrial complex.

4. I want an iPad. I know it’s a lot more expensive than our 100 dollar limit. But I want one anyway. And think about it: I’m likely to get rich and famous pretty soon. You get me an iPad, you will be in my good graces. I’ll take you to Hollywood premieres and in front of all the paparazzi, adoring fans, and lights and crap, I’ll scream and point to you and be all “you know what this crazy bastard did to
Me last Christmas?! This sonofabitch got me an iPad!!” and then you will be known in People and US weekly as “the crazy bastard son of a bitch who got me an iPad”. Sounds good right?

5. I want a camouflage tent, infrared goggles, and a spear. Why is not important.

6. I want to be a duke or a lord of some kind. I know this might be slightly unrealistic, so I won’t hold my breath.

7. A banana republic gift card.

Screenwriting Tip #815

screenwritingtips:

Some days the words just won’t come, and being a writer seems like a terrible idea. On those days there’s nothing you can do but go to bed, set your alarm, wake up the next morning and get back to work.

yes yes yes yes yes. And yes.